Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Pushing and Pulling


Ok, I need to really get something out that has been weighing on my mind lately.

As my son gets older, my husband and I find we are thinking more and more about having another child.

Usually this isn’t something that I would tell the world, but I am actively seeking advice on this and hoping that someone else reads it and realizes that they aren’t alone.

My husband has a brother and I have two half sisters, for the most of my young years I was basically a single child because my sisters were grown up and lived in another house.

This is probably what made me a bit of a loner, (I prefer the solace of time alone than with others)

My husband has always had that built in playmate and confidant in his brother.
 
We are starting to realize that we do not want my son to be alone in this crazy world and giving him a sibling would be a good idea, plus my internal clock is ticking again….BIG TIME.

But……

Here are the issues that I am having with all of this:

-I work full time, I have to until we get some big bills paid down (including a huge loan for the degree I never use) Going back to work with my son was AWFUL, leaving him was almost unbearable.

We couldn’t afford day care, so we had my mother in law watch him 4 days a week and then a friend came to the house to watch him one day a week. He will be in school by the time this would happen, so day care for him wouldn’t be an issue. Day care for the baby WOULD be an issue because my other in law just isn’t up to the task anymore.

-it would be FEASIBLE to stop working and stay home and raise the kids….but honestly….that SCARES me. Blame it on my strong work ethic; I have worked since I was 12! Not having a job SCARES ME! Not to mention that I hold the insurance because my husbands small business cannot afford it. I have 6 years vested in my job, I work with awesome people and it would pain me to leave. But, at the same time I just couldn’t go through having to leave a little one at home to be raised by someone else.

I do run several small side projects that could bring in a little extra income to help,

( I sell Avon, Have a jewelry store on etsy and of course this blog ,which currently is not written for the purpose of making money)

Not having my own money…..freaks me out.

-My last pregnancy was SUPER BAD,I mean BAAADD people, I had hip dysplasia and was on crutches for the last 4 months of my pregnancy because I couldn’t walk, and months of therapy afterwards.

But on the other side of things, I remember all the good things about my pregnancy and the day that my little guy was born, and I long for that feeling all over again, when I look into his cute little face now a days, a lot of my worries seem to fade and I think, maybe I can make this work. Maybe as parents this is the type of sacrifices that we need to make. In a perfect world, I would get all my big bills paid off, quit my job, have another child, raise them both, then when they got older I would go back to school ( I would love to go into cosmetology)then I could work part time and eventually full time maybe.

But I keep double guessing myself, keep wondering if I could actually pull that all off.




 

I know I am not the first person to feel the push and pull between being a mother and working for a living. I know there are plenty of women out there who balance both!

I guess my question is, am I being selfish here?

Ugh so much to think about……and at 34 I don’t have a lot of time to think about it lol.

Any Advice?

Thanks for listening

Xoxoxoxo

1 comment:

asya said...

As i told you before,women have not much internal time to give birth to children. Optimal age time is till 35 years. So you have to decide what is the ost important thing for you...though its always difficukt to choose. Children are the only real joy we have in this crazy world.