well...here I sit, 9 long tumultuous months, ( not ALL bad) coming to an end right before my eyes, some of you will even read this while I am in surgery.
Sitting here tonight with all the time inthe world to think, I am petrified, I haven't had major surgery since I had my tonsils removed at 5 years old!
But then a certain calm comes over me, maybe it's because I know I wont see my crutches again (hopefully) of mabye its the notion that this little being that is currently squashed in my midsection, will have a little face that I will be able to see tommorrow, and little eyes, that will stare back at me in confusion, while Bill and i stare in wonderment.
I know I may throw up, I know I will most likley be in some sort of pain, that it will be scary to think of being sliced open. But at the same time it is all so well worth it, and maybe even this whole horrible journey will be worth it. ( not to say that I am up to doing this again anytime soon if ever lol)
I am proud of my body for what it has accomplished, given my years of minor helath issues, I have always had a part negetive view of my bodys functions, I felt it really let me down a few times, but as of recent, those thoughts have diminished, my body put aside all of it's angst and issues, and did a phenominal job of creating a human living being. And I am very proud of my body for that, I will wear my stretch makrs and C-Section scar like a badge of honor. I worked for this, I fought for this. And baby Hudson will be my reward. Hello motherhood, here I come full force.
Ok so this will probably be the last post until my delivery, mainly because I am in alot of pain both contraction wise and hip wise.
In short, I went to the doctor today, squeezed my mothers hand and breathed while the doctor shoved her hand unmercifully up there, yeah hurt like hell again, but I AM DILATED!!!! Whoo hooo! ! 1 Centemeter! Hey I will take it! She also said that the babys head is "right there" and feels I could very well go into labor before my scheduled c section date on the 17th.
I will not be able to have the c section at the hospital that I really want to because she couldnt squeeze me in,so instead I have to go to the highrisk hospital , i am not really happy about that,but figure, I will have to just suck it up.
If I should go into labor anytime before that date, then I can deliver at the hospital that I want to. and GOD I HOPE THAT HAPPENS lol.
My mom came over and put down trash bag on my couch cushions in case my water breaks. and the hubby has everything all ready to go. So here is to hoping this ends soon!
Here are some pregnancy pics that the hubby recently took!
The flower in my hair was made by Rascal!
Hot Rod girls way of inducing labor! You just don't mess with a pregnant lady on crutches.
My wonderful husband surprised me with breakfast today! he made coffee, eggs with cheese and green pepper, and hot dogs (yes I said hot dogs) on the grill lol. Plus a big bowl of fresh cut up cantaloupe lol. it was sooooooo nice, considering all I really eat for breakfast is a bowl of cereal and a hard boiled egg. It really brightened my day.
We had some people over for the fourth of July last night, and although I wasn't intitally looking forward to having company over at all, I have to say I did quite well and it was nice to get out of the house , sit by the fire and visit with friends, got my mind off of the pain. and my neighbors Doug and Dani stopped over with their 9 month old baby Delaney, her and i blew raspberries back and forth for awhile, she is such a happy child, love her!
Dani brought over a gift for the baby, a sleep sack, a teether ring, a Police rubber ducky that tells you how hot the bath water is, and this way cool ceiling projection machine that plays rain or heartbeat sounds to help baby fall asleep. You know i am going to be playing with THAT thing today lol. She was also kind enough to donate a baby food organizer a "Pooh Bear" Snow suit, Diapers and three or four small size bottles lol. I am just amazed at how generous people are when you are pregnant lol. it was so nice of her. After she left, me my brother in law my in laws, my husband and our friend John, sat by the fire and then watched the fire works, wich you could see perfectly from our back yard.
After everyone left, Bill and I enjoyed some quality time alone which was so nice, and then we crashed out about 1130 pm.
Oh Note to sister Dee "John asked when you were coming over and said congrats on the upcoming adoption :) "
Today I am hoping that I can get Bill to take some pregnancy photos, considering we dont have much time left and I actually got dressed and did my hair today lol. Hope fully I will be able to post those soon.
I have had alot of thinking to do lately (wich is all I have had time to day anyway). about getting my tubes tied, my mother first mentioned it, then my friend Julia mentioned it, and I never really thought about it until they said it ( funny right because you would think I would have thought about it sooner) considering my pregnancy has been so bad and any subsequent ones would most likely be just as horrible. but I don't know, its almost too permanent for em right now ya know? And they say you shouldn't make these decisions under stress, (which I am definitely under) while it WOULD be easy to just do it while they have me open, I don't think Bill and i are ready for it, I asked him last nightand at first he said he would understand if I wanted to go that route, but I could tell that he wasn't completely sure, there are just too many variables right now, and it's one of those decisions I have to be SURE about. So for now we will let it rest I suppose.
Speaking of rest, I am going to go lay down and read for a bit, then maybe venture out on the porch to go read the Sunday paper in the sun.
Today I am officially 37 weeks, and i am in so much pain I can barely sit, yet i made it up the stairs and to the computer because I have so much pent up anger to release and frustration.
I am tired of the pain wich is now like lightening bolts shooting down both legs, tired of my crutches and my inability to walk, and tired of what feels like a tug o war with my doctor, whom i don't feel takes any of my pain seriously.
I went ot the Chriopracter for the last time yesterday,she is the only one who seems to understand the amount of pain I am in. Geeting there put me into tears, getting down the front stairs was horrendous and having my husband get me inthe car was more work than I wanted to put on him. we finally got there and as she adjusted me I told her that my doctor agreed to do a c-section, it was good to hear that the chiropracter agreed with me on it. She feels that because of my pain, I would be too weak to push the baby out when the time comes. I toldher of my frustration with my doctor, and she agreed that she probably doesnt know the level of my pain because she is a young doctor and really hasnt had much experience yet with people like me, but the chiropracter has seen lots of pregnant women in her ten years with my condition. so at least that made me feel like I wasn't going crazy.
But the pain gets so much more worse every day, that I just don't know how I am going to manage even though I see and end in sight. Every day there is something else that I cannot do, last ngiht I realized I am no longer able to get in and out of the shower or the tub,meaing I have to resort to washing my hair in the sink and taking a shower there also. And shaving my legs? FUGGEDABOUDIT
I barely make it up and down the upstiars stairwell, and have permenetley restricted myself form the basement stairs wich are steeper and even harder to navigate.
There must be 80 times a day that I feel like snapping at any person who calls or comes over, even my poor husband is feeling the brunt of it. I collapse in a pile of excrutiating pain and tears at least 3 times a day.
I have a doctors appt on wed, my final office visit, until my c-section. I dont want her to do an internal because it hurt so bad last time, Ijust don't want to do it again, and she is not gentle with the way she rams her hand up there, I could have kicked her inthe face the last time, but fortunatley my back won't let my leg move inthe direction. I don't even see the point of her checking my cervix for dialtion now that I know I am doing a c section, and I am half tempted to tell her I want to refuse the exam.
I am so miserable and scared and bored and restless, and angry wiht people who dont understand and could never possibly understand this level of pain.
Even as I write this it is hard to concentrate because the pain is just continual.
I cannot say the next time that I will update, sitting here is now alost impossible and I am so damn tierd. So if I dont write again, forgive me, but I will write when he is born and things even out a bit.
Ok so here goes, I had a doctors appointment yesterday to see if I was dilated, BTW no body ever todl mehow bad it actually can hurt when they check you for that.... (thanks alot) it felt like she rammed her entire arm up there, I about leapt off of the table,. sadly I was not dialted, wich I didn't really expect too be anyways.
She asked how I was doing, and I joked and said "well today is my anniversary, soif you want to give me a c section as a gift that would be pretty sweet" (half joking with her....I said HALF JOKING) and hse goes, "oh weren't we going to do once on you?" I looked at her with a blank look and said "no you said you would only do it if medically nessecary" well" she said "ideally I would like you to have a vaginal birth, but since your Phyiscal Therapist alos seems to think you need a c section , if you feel that you could not make it through labor and push him out, then I will do a c section." I started bawling right there on the table, "yes! please doctor OMG! you have no idea how bad this pain is thank you!" with that , she said either july 16 or 17th, she is going to let me know next week when she sticks her arm up my crotch again and probably comes out my throat.
I will deliver at 39 weeks, so if I go into labor before the surgery, they will still do the c-section, it will just look better for justification purposes for insurance, i told her I will deal with insurance later, right now I am just concentrated on getting back umong the living and walking.
Am I scared? in a word yes, but I know people who have been through it, and i figure if I can deal for months with this ever increasingly paralizing pain, I can deal with surgury.
My mother will be staying with me for a few days afterwards to help out. And we are going to move his changing table and bassinet downstairs so that i can sleep on the couch for a few days.
Bill does not want to be in the OR when the baby is delivered, if he see's that abyb covered in blood, he is going to pass out cold, and i don't want that, so I may have my mom right there with me.
The down side, is that I will not be able to see the baby for about 2 hours while I recover, :( accept initially of course when he first comes out) but I will have a lifetime to play with him.) Well I am going to go make out the bills (boo) and go take a nap with the puppy :) ) Talk to you s
Attached are some more photos of the nursery.
! Sometimes when I need solace from the pain, I just go into his room and sniff his clothes.....